Reposted for National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month
Since October has been named "Domestic Abuse Awareness Month" throughout the U.S.in recent years, I thought it fitting to repost this column. I wrote it when writing was cathartic and became part of the healing process. Since I posted this column I have received a number of emails thanking me for writing this piece and to champion the cause of abused women in general. I declined, as I was too close to the pain and did not want to subject my children to the impact the realization this would have in their lives. We did our healing in private.
Now, many years later, I have been able to stand back and really take a hard look at my abuser, a term I have only recently been able to verbalize at all. In this slaphappy litigious age of the money hungry, I have never written his name and don't plan on doing so now.
Facing the aspect of being alone was sometimes more frightening than being alone; I did, with the help of close and blessed friends, clergy and belief in God, look outside the world I had created for myself to survive, and realized there was a much better place on the other side waiting for me, if I only had the courage to do so.
It brought me to places I never dreamed of, and meeting people I never realized existed.
Taking the first step is the hardest, the absolute hardest thing you will ever have to do.
But take it.
Leave.
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"Do you know you are the ugliest woman I have ever met?
You don't know how to cook, you clean the house shoddily, you don't know how to balance a check book, you're not even any good in bed! Why did I ever marry you?"
This was all directed to the woman who laid in the bed, barely awake after a not so fitful night's sleep. The youngest one of the babies had been up all night, a slight fever and a cough. Not anything serious, but enough to make her sleep with one eye open, one ear towards the open bedroom door.
He sat on the end of the bed, shaking it as he bounced up and down to put on his work boots.
"I suppose it would be too much to ask for some breakfast, you lazy witch. Don't worry, I'll get something down at the plant. Don't worry about me, I only put food on the table every day, but I guess its too much to ask you to cook anything." It was 5:00 a.m.
"I swear to God one of these days I will kill you."
He slammed the bedroom door behind him as he left.
The woman held her breath as she prayed that the noise didn't wake the babies and she would get at least another half hour of blessed sleep.
It didn't.
The woman rolled over onto her side and pulled the covers over her head, trying to block out the images that plagued her. He wasn't always this way, cold and accusing. He was once warm and loving, even had a sense of humor. When they were first married he would bring her flowers and candy, always stopping off at the grocery store to buy bread and milk and a chocolate cake. They would eat the cake with hot strong coffee, after a dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes, salad and fruit.
But something happened to the man as the years went by, as life took its toll on the both of them, trying to beat them into the ground.
The woman wouldn't let it; but the man didn't know how to stop it.
So he beat the life out of the woman, day by day, word by word.
As the sun began to peek through the slats of the blinds in the bedroom window, the woman knew she wasnt going to be getting any more rest.
He would be calling her soon, around 7:00 am.
"I'm so sorry, please forgive me, you are the most wonderful woman in the world, I don't know why I get so mad! It's this job, its the stress, there's no money. I know you love me and I love you so much, honey, I am so sorry."
So many times had she heard this before, she could recite the apology in her head as he spoke the words yet again.
She waited for the final appeal....
"I am nothing without you. Please forgive me."
And she would forgive him. Because she loved him.
Things would be fine for a while, three weeks, maybe four. The children would never know something had been terribly wrong, She hid it all from them. Sunday dinners after church, picnics in the park, Saturdays at the movie theatre. They never suspected a thing. There were no marks to be seen on the outside.
Until finally he couldn't stop the thoughts in his head, of how he felt so worthless, so useless. It was all her fault, all that witch's fault, just like his mother said.
And it would begin again.
"How much do you weigh now? That sweater makes you look huge, did you know that? You laugh like a hyena, you cackle like a chicken! Don't you know how to shop for bargains, what are you, an alien?"
Time went by and the woman began to think that maybe there was something wrong with her. After all, this was her husband and he loved her, provided a home for her and the children, didn't go out after work, gave her his paycheck every week. She had made a vow, what would happen if she broke it?
Until one day, the woman looked around and her children were grown. She was alone with the man and she didn't like it. She didn't like how she looked, how she felt. She didn't like him.
So she left.
If you recognize this kind of life and don't like it, you can do something about it.
Leave.
If you have children, take them with you. Even if its just the clothes on your back that you take with you.
Don't wait til they grow up, they will anyway. Don't wait for him to change, he won't. There are people out there who will help you, who know what you are living. But you have to make the decision to change your life.
Save your life. I did.
Leave.
